Ozymandias

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said:—Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

-Percy Bysshe Shelley

Scramble

I've anticipated this sort of things to happen when I opened my blog's borders:

Tagged!
Rules:

1. Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself.

2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED!" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules. So here goes...

I think this is lame but I'll play on...

1) Perhaps I should reveal a few secrets about this blog. My posts are often subtle and indirect, sometimes appearing utterly meaningless. So here are my explanations:

Of the posts that seem to be random gibberish,
One or more post(s) is about love.
One or more post(s) is about hate.
One or more post(s) is about secrets.
One or more post(s) is about my worst fears.

And I tend to leave subtle indications about who/what I was refering to (often in the title). My blog can get philosophical at times, because I tend to think and question a lot, sometimes meaninglessly, often about existence, purpose and ethics.

2) I consider myself somewhat of a villian's personality: I prefer power to fame and fortune; I prefer torture to a swift kill; I prefer pessimism to optimism; I prefer conflict to peace; I get jealous very easily; I tend to admire "villians" more than many "heroes" whom I think are hypocrites. I got a little disappointed reading about Adolf Hitler's defeat in WWII. Not that I actually condone his atrocities, but mostly due to a waste of valuable wartime resources and manpower, and not the morality of them.

3) I keep thinking I could have done much more with my life. For example, I could have become someone way better in academics, more popular, more athletic, or more talented than I am now. I could have been a "role model" to most people except myself. Yet somehow I feel I have stumbled my way into my present life in a way that I will regret otherwise. Thus I am able to cope with my regrets, knowing that my life is not about being a "role model" to others; it's about staying true to myself. I have not yet understood my role in this world, but I think someday I will. Perhaps that explains my laziness and carefree attitude. Because I can't be bothered about my future.

4) I always get the feeling I'm not a "normal" person, I keep thinking I am fundamentally different, VERY absurdly different, although not necessarily in a good way. Thus most of the time I yearn to conform rather than to be different. Everybody wants to be different; everybody except me. Somehow I know I will not succeed...

5) I tend to be antisocial because I seem to have no desire for socialising. I am VERY slow to make friends and have no qualms about making enemies. I respond awkwardly to niceties, especially if they're not from friends (by this I refer to my definition of friends, which are long and ardous to be). Loneliness is far more tolerable if people are mean to me. If I make friends very hastily, it probably isn't true anyway. I am so "impaired" socially that I think I have psuedo-autistic tendencies. I was once very frightened when I read a pamplet about autism. It described that autistic children are fascinated by rotating objects, and I was once FASCINATED BY FANS!!! You know the way the fanblades and the casing interact to form a dazzling optical illusion of moving spirals? I was totally obsessed by them when I was young. Freaky. Other weird obsessions include accelerating bicycle wheels, which somehow "froze" at particular frequencies. I have yet to be able explain this phenomenon, unless my eyes are cameras with a fixed frame rate. More freaky.

So there, five weird/random facts about me that are NOT about favourite colours or ice cream flavours. As of I have not yet decided who to "tag" because this is so lame...

Decentralisation

For those who used to laugh at me:
1) I fully understood how Monopoly is played.
2) Teaching derivatives and such to a primary school kid is, of course, foolhardy. That's why we are forced to "learn" distorted and inaccurate "facts" back in Primary School Science.
3) I knew what causes climates and the seasons. It was the majority around me that was misled.

So there. No hard feelings.

Inexistence

I've fallen ill again, thanks to an inflammation of my throat. Of course, bodily ailments cannot compare to ailments of the heart. Now I'm down with both...

I finally realise that I have lost most passion in Science, through teaching my nephew. I remember how I was so eager and curious about all things Science. Now I wouldn't go through Primary School again: it is agonising. Perhaps it is the hypocrisy of it all; I don't like to be reminded of how I was thought a fool by those around me. Those I used to respect. Until I grew wiser and learnt that I was right all along. I wonder if they have learnt from their mistakes. Now history repeats itself. I find myself forced to teach the very lies that the textbook spreads. Of course I made a careful effort to warn my student about the pitfalls, but I had to make him swear to secrecy.

Yes, I used to (foolishly) think I was at the top of the world; perhaps now I truely taste my folly. Ultimately, praise, reknown, reputation, what do all these amount to in the end? Perhaps I was right all along that there are no absolutes. True realisation of "self" is undoubtedly more important than all the other "transitional" wants. I quietly laugh at myself for how foolish I appeared to be.

Echo

Most of the time, people just don't heed my warnings. Perhaps I was too subtle, too unassertive in getting my message across. No matter. Sometimes I watch helplessly, sometimes with wicked satisfaction as people wander into traps warned about way in advance. It is about time anyway, that I start accepting that I cannot prevent the demise of every individual I know or care about. Hopefully, those who deserve it might learn from their mistakes if not from my advice. My predictions are rarely wrong, partly because of my inability to change people. Too bad.

Poisoned Apples

Last night was a farewell session, in more ways than one.

Everybody has secrets. And last night's Prom night managed to dig into some of my most painful secrets. Oh well, at least we won't be seeing each other anytime soon. It's unfortunate we didn't even get to be close friends. I silenced myself, moreso than you.

Oh well, let it be so. Let me be. Leave me alone. Perhaps I can control my instincts. so near yet so distant. If such things hurt, let me be the one to suffer in silence.

Finale

Last night was Prom night. What an end to two years of JC life. As anticipated it wasn't very well executed. Contestants were shy, people refused to go on stage. One of the coldest responses were given during the Prom King/Queen Q&A session. No finesse at all. Prom, I guess, did a fairly poor job as the "final gathering" of our batch of JC2 students, before we depart on our own paths, rarely to meet as one again. Oh but whatever. It just didn't have the heart-wrenching feeling I felt when I left my Primary and Secondary Schools behind, even though JC life was indeed most memorable.

After Prom, while the girls retreated away into their 5-Star Ritz Calton hotel room, some of us guys went for an overnight lan session. Of course, as expected, the spectator felt out of place and got bored. It was quite a fruitless experience though. No matter how we handicap ourselves the leavers just quit over and over. No game was "complete" from beginning to end. And staring at a computer screen on the second day wearing contacts while going without sleep for 24 hours is NOT comfortable at all.

Speaking of contact lenses, argh! I don't know how much self-inflicted damage my eyes have sustained. My eyes are very sensitive, maybe because they are the windows to the soul. If that is the case, then I have betrayed my soul. I wonder who in the right mind would wear contact lenses every day when it hurts so much.

Event Horizon

So It is here I confess. I've consciously and half-deliberately made certain individuals feel estranged. Yes, it is cruelly painful to be lonely. Human beings were never designed for solitude anyway. Perhaps, in a display of ire, I exploded. I seemingly deemed this as payback for the loneliness I've faced, abeit directed towards the wrong targets. I realised how effortless it could have been for me to give the stranger a warm cup of tea, and break the ice. Of course it would have required everyone's cooperation, which was lacking in the first place anyway. Such is a problem of society. People are cold. Little or no effort is directed towards "strangers", even when they are in such close proximity anyway. So yes, I'm at fault. But it is the larger community who must change, if things are to improve. Before it is too late.

Q

Call me naive. But I cannot stop myself. After all, questioning is fundamental to existence. "I think, therefore I am." could have been more correctly expressed as "I ask, therefore I am." Indeed, doubt and uncertainty are elements integral to life and existence as well, yet existence is justified and accertained by our attempts at clarifying our doubts.

So what do I ask myself? It is said one is oneself's best judge. So be it. I judged myself. Am I right? Or am I wrong? Thankfully I do not hold myself too accountable for my actions. May I plead insanity? Ultimately, the worst punishment for a misdeed is knowing there's no turning back. Indeed, I have err'ed too many times. Yet I have to live with the mistakes. My previous mistakes, to a large extent, defines me. Not all definitions and identities are pleasant.

If I had made so many mistakes, will I ever be forgiven? Sure enough, I can acknowledge my errors. I can forgive myself. Yet people around me tend to be unforgiving. Not that I am in a position to complain. I rarely forgive either. I have not forgotten...

I've read my previous entries in this blog. They remind me of so many doings I have not forgotten. Or forgiven. Perhaps, as one chapter (an unforgettable one indeed) in my life closes, what about those whom I've crossed paths with? Our lives are increasingly complicated. Wouldn't it be beneficial to let some debts fade into obscurity now? If forgetting recovers lost sanity, let us forget...

Sentence

Have you seen the award-winning serial "Lost"? Well, the premise here is exactly the same. In exactly one month's time, I'll be shipped away to a distant island. Whether I'll get out alive, though, is a complete mystery. No, I'm not paranoid about my physical condition. I'm fearful for my mental well-being. From what I have gathered, where I'm going to is a place of stark contrasts. Paradoxes. How it manages to appear functional is quite beyond me.

Of all things I loathe in life, bureaucracy, hypocrisy and inefficiency are among those I consider hating the most. Unsurprisingly, army life would seem to be no lacking in any of them. From what I've experienced so far, I've seen empty vessels feign intelligence and actually getting very far. I'm soon to take a compulsory oath (How can imperativeness and sincerity coexist?) to protect my country. I'm about to follow protocols and fill in tonnes of forms that the know-it-alls above me use in a weak attempt to deduce my loyalty and capability. I'll be subject to "training courses" designed to subsume me into unquestioning loyalty. Speaking of "unquestioning", why wouldn't they build mechanical robots to take my place instead? Sheer unquestioning loyalty and efficiency! Speaking of efficiency, the sheer lack of it disgusts me. Such is how two great years of my "life" will be spent. Of course, this will not be the end, in more ways than one.

Made to Measure

How can artificial intelligence be better than real ingenuity? How can a computer algorithm outsmart the programmers? Apparently, it can. After all, an A.I. Chess player has, by far, outsmarted every single living chess player it has ever played with.

Of course, a computer has its limitations. It cannot compute new strategies or counter existing ones. It cannot comprehend human psychology. It cannot truely adapt to unforseen circumstances. The only slight advantage it has is that it can perform millions of calculations tirelessly and effortlessly, within a split second (That is how it beats n00bs like me). That is why to create a monster one cannot destroy is such a distant dream.

Humans, generally speaking, are much more sophisticated entities. One can never truely comprehend their creativity, their unpredictability or their temperaments. Humans are known for their irrationality. How they seemingly betray you on a whim, without rational explanation. How they seem as cold as a computer, no better at understanding emotions. Perhaps this is our limitation. To me, humans cause much more frustration and angst than computers do. Perhaps such is why I prefer to deal with the artificial.

Postal

I spent the last two days recovering from the chalet trip. I nearly lost myself again. Weird ideas permeated my thoughts. The trip was rather fun, abeit enervating. I ended up getting humiliated by my lack of "arcade fast fingers" and losing DOTA matches I shouldn't have. Must be those n00b allies (Nah just kidding). At least I finally learnt to beat an "unbeatable" strat. Nothing is foolproof. Ugh my stomach is still upset by the undercooked chicken wings. But I shouldn't complain too much. On the upside, bedtime was much better than anticipated. No bed, as usual, but at least I didn't suffer from hypothermia. No encounter with cockroaches either, just swarms of mosquitoes. This is, sadly, one of the last times I'll be seeing some of you folks. I played of our last class DOTA games. Another full class DOTA game will rarely be plausible from now. I will be missing you folks. Most of you. I'd hoped I'd known some of you people a little more. Not long from now, we'll all be EX-classmates. I hope our short acquaintance will not terminate soon. So I'll be seeing you all. Some of you.

Loading...

So many things to do, so little time. Life's too short for the lazy person like me. I've rekindled a passion for many things that has eluded me ever since the I felt the effects of exam syndrome. There's little more than one month left for me to enjoy life. So many things on my JC life to-do list went unaccomplished, and it is up to me to redeem myself as much as possible with my remaining time. So my timetable's a little stretched right now...

Conversion

Call me an estranged social misfit, but there are certain rules I must follow. I shall not stoop so low as to condone the unacceptable, even if it means alienating some parties. I prefer to stay out of certain circles than to be ridiculed and exploited repeatedly by the immature. Yes, loneliness is painful, but not nearly as infuriating as having my tolerance repeatedly tested. I've given too much way to these people than it's worth, now the camel's back is broken. There are way truer friends to associate with. So yea, consider our correspondence terminated.

Emancipation

At long last, the final exams are over. Goodbye to exam stress and welcome post exam anxiety! The end of the "A" levels of course marks the end of a tumultous chapter of my life. What a turbulent 2 years indeed! The past 2 years have been fraught with insecurities, wrath, desperation and sad memories. Fortunately there were many moments of indescribable elation. Sometimes I still ponder about the choices I made. Looking back, it seems hard, even painful, to know that I'll be leaving JC life so soon... School life, as I know it, is forever behind me. Ahh, the people, the classrooms, the uncompleted homework, the lectures, the exams, PE lessons, "A" levels, failing grades, bucketloads of things to do, DOTA... I'm already missing you all... except maybe the Ten Years Series.

Tempestous Fury

It's me again. Haven't been blogging for a long time... Thanks to circumstances that would not allow. Now that block tests are over, I can finally breathe.

I'm slapped with the results of Chemistry right off the bat today. Was kinda expecting that sort of thing to happen anyway. Oh well. It totally consumed whatever vestiges of post-exam elation that I once had.

And now my computer is acting up in rebellion... Murphy's Law in action.

"May the dire wrath of the Storm Lord fill thy heart!"

Hanging in the balance...

I know I haven't been blogging for awhile. I'm putting most of my effort now into protecting the delicate balance in my family... Not yet normal for the moment, but hopefully it will gradually be. I don't know when it'll be my turn to give way. I just hope I can find the strength to carry on.

More and more, I feel myself being part of a enormous web, where the slightest action can trigger countless repercussions... I'm beginning to appreciate how delicate every seemingly insignificant thing is. How invisible forces can change everything. I guess I'll have to take on more responsibility for my actions and inactions from now.

Given how brittle and vulnerable I am emotionally currently, I might just give way any moment. What happens when I reach my breaking point? I have no clue. What I can expect are a multitude of extremes my personality can take on...

My "main" personality, as it is usually portrayed, is actually an amalgam of various elements. On two extreme ends, I am both a compassionate person who craves love and tries to love in return, as well as a faceless, emotionless, cold-blooded, loveless and selfish individual who can sell out anybody. I am also compulsive, hot-tempered, ready to lash out at anybody who annoys me the slightest bit, yet I am indifferent to events around me. Of course, black-and-white is just another dimension in an infinite domain of my personality. I have no idea what comes next.

Oh yea, "Sirocco" is actually a character of my creation. "He" is the embodiment of yet another personality that I take on, strangely, when I write all those "mysterious" letters. I have no idea why. "He's" one that's playful and enjoys anonymity. "He" can be rather childish at times, due to his anonymity (it brings out the worst in people.) One of "His" opposites that exists within me craves for publicity and popularity.

Will I finally succumb to this bitter winter in my home? What form will I finally take on? I have been shifting back and forth between different forms in the past month that I'm getting disoriented. Which is probably why I've done so little in the past month. I'm confused.

To Hell and back...

The past month was... traumatic, to say the least. I finally realise how delicate and brittle the system is based on. Oh well. I think I'll learn to appreciate "love".

Apparently, my parents are back to normalcy, for the time being. Really hope this will last, and the events of the past month will gradually be forgotten.

I realised how little ground I have made in my life. The past month made me realise how I was jogging on the spot (sometimes even backtracking) instead of taking off. Really envious of what others have accomplished by now. I must get on my feet. The sleeping mammoth awakens. Groggy, but still powerful nonetheless.

Thread

I stumbled upon some music theory website today. Having no musical background whatsoever and yet being curious at the same time, I decided to check it out.

... music theory turned out to be way more abstract than even F Maths. My mouth is foaming now... Oh well.

On a side note, I'm not really sure what is happening to my family now... The storm still lingers ominously. Running out of ideas...

Normalcy

I really hope normal life can resume from now on. The storm has calmed down quite a little, but not before taking its toll. My emotions are wrecked and my schoolwork is in a mess. Deep down, it still hurts. When the fairy tale ends so abruptly...

Sunder

I'll be taking some time off... Some serious personal issues have cropped up and I hope I'll have the courage and maturity to deal with them...

Why, must I be only seventeen to be facing such adult issues? My only pillar of hope has collapsed upon me... Crying. What if I'm forced to deal with matters beyond the scope of a seventeen-year-old? I cannot even begin to comprehend it. When someone still needs support and completeness, something comes up and destroys the greatest fairy tale of them all. What if he tells her he'll be leaving her? I cannot be torn apart or disintegrated. Everything around me is whirling now, crumbling.

Even as I write this, I am clinging to any remaining vestiges of my sanity. I try to turn to faith. Yet who is there to answer my desperate calls if I'm a non-believer? Please save me and everything around me from sundering apart. Some things cannot be mended.

No, I'm not out of love. Yet two people very dear to me are. Thus I must have the courage to intervene. I must tell myself I have the maturity to handle this the way it should be.

Please don't leave me.

Systems

School's starting tomorrow. And I'm not at all looking forward to it. Haven't touched my F Maths, which will be tested on the FIRST LECTURE! I'm just informed that I have to arrive at 7.15 am tomorrow for some JOINED ASSEMBLY! That's so "FUN and EXCITING" isn't it? *Yawn*. I never thought the new system will affect me so much. I always thought at least *my* batch can be spared from its ill-effects. Now I am beginning to LOATHE it the more I think about it. I just hope the they will have the sensibility to switch back. Before it's too late. "To halt a horse before a cliff" is how it should be. Now it seems the horse is going down.