I need to get this off my head!

Some random and barely sane thought:

I've been exploring the concept of the "Johari's Window". It's a psychological tool used for self-help. Maybe it's because I think I really need some help that I'm pondering over such stuff.

Anyway, I can't get over the glaring flaws of the Johari Window. Let me explain what I understand of it first: It's a 2x2 matrix, essentially dividing our personal "traits" into 4 different "rooms". The two rows are "known to self" and "unknown to self", while the two columns are "known to others" and "unknown to others".

The main problem with this analytical tool is its reliance on an "objective" perspective. As an example, let's attempt to classify any trait for ourselves. Clearly, what we CAN classify on ourselves is the first row "known to self". And the "known to others" column is in a terrible mess. Different people have vastly different, even contrasting perceptions and impressions of the same person. And the fourth quadrant or "room" - "Unknown to self and others": who knowns what goes there?

Ultimately traits themselves are subjective - they only acquire meaning when someone observes them. When we observe our own traits, they form our ego. When others observe us, the traits form our reputation. But here's a problem: the Observer Effect. We tend to modify our behavior when we know someone is watching us. Even when that "someone" isn't necessarily another person! When we observe ourselves and think of our own traits, we get an image of ourselves that's distorted by our ego. And of course what people observe in us, they might not want to tell us truthfully.

From how I see it, a person's interaction with his own ego and reputation is a complex relationship. It depends on many factors, among them the "other people" and how close they are with the person in question.

Here's an exercise: Visualize a graph with two axes.

A horizontal one depicting how close a person is to you:
Acquaintance <---> Confidante

And a vertical one depicting the difference between your ego and your reputation in the eyes of that observer. What does this mean? Essentially it is how you "act" or "wayang" in front of that observer. The more you act, the more you want others to see yourself differently from how you see yourself (or don't want others to see your "true" self).
"Pretentious/Feigned <---> Natural/Truthful"

Finally, populate the graph among people you've be around with recently. What is the shape of your graph?

I'll probably come back to this topic next time. But never mind all these nonsense. Back to sleep.

Chromatometer

One thing I've added over the past few months is my "experimental" Chromatometer. It's manually updated by me though, and I doubt it's working properly or if it will ever work at all. One hindrance to its function is to do with the "Observer Effect".

Whatever. I appreciate its simplicity and quaintness as a toy.

Why am I doing this...

Why the urge to type random stuff in this disused blog in the middle of the night?

I suspect it's to do with my Business Law exam tomorrow... and all the weird yet thought provoking DREAMS I had over the past few weeks.

As much as I can recall: I dreamed of my Teddy Bear, evading a gang fight in Balestier (yes I even remember the location), a friend cheating on his girlfriend, and even a way of killing someone without leaving personally identifying evidence behind. Kudos to anyone who can interpret all these!

But all those are besides the point. Dreams are JUST DREAMS. I still don't understand: Why am I writing all these down?

Just being random, I guess. Consistent with all my recent behavior and thoughts. I'm forgetting how to BE A NORMAL PERSON. If anything, at most, I'd be posting stuff here on the safe assumption that nobody would read any of this... This blog IS dead anyway. I don't, and have never been recorded past EVENTS that happened to me here. It's just an ad hoc, sporadic, minor repository of the myriad of random THOUGHTS. I guess my mind has been wandering off again - far too much this time as I mental confront many personal issues. So burdensome that I have to dump some stuff down.

BTW I've made some changes to this blog over the past few months. So yea, I've been contemplating about this forgotten website for awhile.

Saving Private Togrias

Ultimately, life in the Armed Forces has been (at least) a gainful lesson on life. However, it's not the way I, or anyone would have expected it to be.

So where's Togrias now? He's now put his future on hold, while serving his time as a odd-job clerk. In the middle of nowhere, fitting into nowhere. He's being cast aside and forgotten, and stuck in limbo in the moment as he waits for a reply from the ever "efficient" organisation so that he may continue with his life.

Ultimately, if the SAF were a person, I would imagine it to be hating me right now. For I expose its dificiencies in a way only pleasant to myself. I manage to tell it in my unique way straight in its face: I cannot be subverted. I cannot lose. They cannot win. For the SAF possesses authority, while I possess power. It may be difficult for some to comprehend, but authority is not exactly power. More often than people realise, it merely gives an illusion of it. True power, however, is different. As I have utterly demonstrated, I control my destiny. I basically control the game now.

How it has ended up in such a situation, where the soldier fights against his own unit, it's too long a story to elaborate. But who can tolerate a place so twisted and detached from the real world, where the would-be scum of society end up as leaders and the brain-dead people with bars and crabs and stars who "work in the mess" all day end up being put in charge of thinking of innovative ways to amend the endless list of standing orders and directives (Having a good deal of standing orders and directives makes me suspicious of their productivity in the first place). While other more gung-ho/demented commanders find means to circumvate unfavourable directives to try and make life as tough as possible for NSFs. People who saw the folly of wasting their life away at a dysfunctional organisation so hopelessly inept and inane.

Life as a soldier has taught me to be fiecely protective. Not of my country, nobody gives a gives a damn. It's all for myself. My identity. My liberty. My rights. That which is most threatened. Ultimately when the day comes I'll emerge from this contrived world unscathed while the foolish continue to wallow in their delusions that they are very important/capable. When the "leaders" finally learn their place sunken deep within the bottomless abyss of society. That'll be the day this dumb/weak guy who can't use his M-16 begins to assume his rightful place.

Inject

As I begin to type this, I realise how utterly stripped I am of my language capabilities. I can't help a feeling of nakedness.

Every time I get the urge to re-blog, I get this overwhelming, inexplicable sense of tiredness. Of not having anything good to say. Either that or I seem to be gagged, being utterly unable to explain myself.

Not anymore. I have chosen the path few dare cross. I've chosen to ignore the words of warning from friends and superiors. I've toyed around with my life so much so that I've reached a point of no return. It's either paradise or eternal damnation now. Yet my life's so cheap nowadays it hardly makes a difference. And I know I'll forever be haunted by my decision which has infinite repercussions.

But no matter. What's done is done. I have fully utilised my "burdens" and turned them into enviable "assets". Today marks the turning point, forever changing my life.

Loose

My days are numbered. In about 35 hours I'll be gone. I guess amidst the gloom I have found new strength already. I managed to pull myself out of bed to perform TWO runs. So far, the holiday diet isn't helping with my physical fitness, and my "sit at home and mug" plan has compromised it too. I reckon I'm two years back in terms of physical fitness. So I'm praying that last minute work pays off. Or else I'll never come out alive again. So this is one of my last few entries in a long, long time.

Ozymandias

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said:—Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

-Percy Bysshe Shelley

Scramble

I've anticipated this sort of things to happen when I opened my blog's borders:

Tagged!
Rules:

1. Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself.

2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED!" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules. So here goes...

I think this is lame but I'll play on...

1) Perhaps I should reveal a few secrets about this blog. My posts are often subtle and indirect, sometimes appearing utterly meaningless. So here are my explanations:

Of the posts that seem to be random gibberish,
One or more post(s) is about love.
One or more post(s) is about hate.
One or more post(s) is about secrets.
One or more post(s) is about my worst fears.

And I tend to leave subtle indications about who/what I was refering to (often in the title). My blog can get philosophical at times, because I tend to think and question a lot, sometimes meaninglessly, often about existence, purpose and ethics.

2) I consider myself somewhat of a villian's personality: I prefer power to fame and fortune; I prefer torture to a swift kill; I prefer pessimism to optimism; I prefer conflict to peace; I get jealous very easily; I tend to admire "villians" more than many "heroes" whom I think are hypocrites. I got a little disappointed reading about Adolf Hitler's defeat in WWII. Not that I actually condone his atrocities, but mostly due to a waste of valuable wartime resources and manpower, and not the morality of them.

3) I keep thinking I could have done much more with my life. For example, I could have become someone way better in academics, more popular, more athletic, or more talented than I am now. I could have been a "role model" to most people except myself. Yet somehow I feel I have stumbled my way into my present life in a way that I will regret otherwise. Thus I am able to cope with my regrets, knowing that my life is not about being a "role model" to others; it's about staying true to myself. I have not yet understood my role in this world, but I think someday I will. Perhaps that explains my laziness and carefree attitude. Because I can't be bothered about my future.

4) I always get the feeling I'm not a "normal" person, I keep thinking I am fundamentally different, VERY absurdly different, although not necessarily in a good way. Thus most of the time I yearn to conform rather than to be different. Everybody wants to be different; everybody except me. Somehow I know I will not succeed...

5) I tend to be antisocial because I seem to have no desire for socialising. I am VERY slow to make friends and have no qualms about making enemies. I respond awkwardly to niceties, especially if they're not from friends (by this I refer to my definition of friends, which are long and ardous to be). Loneliness is far more tolerable if people are mean to me. If I make friends very hastily, it probably isn't true anyway. I am so "impaired" socially that I think I have psuedo-autistic tendencies. I was once very frightened when I read a pamplet about autism. It described that autistic children are fascinated by rotating objects, and I was once FASCINATED BY FANS!!! You know the way the fanblades and the casing interact to form a dazzling optical illusion of moving spirals? I was totally obsessed by them when I was young. Freaky. Other weird obsessions include accelerating bicycle wheels, which somehow "froze" at particular frequencies. I have yet to be able explain this phenomenon, unless my eyes are cameras with a fixed frame rate. More freaky.

So there, five weird/random facts about me that are NOT about favourite colours or ice cream flavours. As of I have not yet decided who to "tag" because this is so lame...

Decentralisation

For those who used to laugh at me:
1) I fully understood how Monopoly is played.
2) Teaching derivatives and such to a primary school kid is, of course, foolhardy. That's why we are forced to "learn" distorted and inaccurate "facts" back in Primary School Science.
3) I knew what causes climates and the seasons. It was the majority around me that was misled.

So there. No hard feelings.

Inexistence

I've fallen ill again, thanks to an inflammation of my throat. Of course, bodily ailments cannot compare to ailments of the heart. Now I'm down with both...

I finally realise that I have lost most passion in Science, through teaching my nephew. I remember how I was so eager and curious about all things Science. Now I wouldn't go through Primary School again: it is agonising. Perhaps it is the hypocrisy of it all; I don't like to be reminded of how I was thought a fool by those around me. Those I used to respect. Until I grew wiser and learnt that I was right all along. I wonder if they have learnt from their mistakes. Now history repeats itself. I find myself forced to teach the very lies that the textbook spreads. Of course I made a careful effort to warn my student about the pitfalls, but I had to make him swear to secrecy.

Yes, I used to (foolishly) think I was at the top of the world; perhaps now I truely taste my folly. Ultimately, praise, reknown, reputation, what do all these amount to in the end? Perhaps I was right all along that there are no absolutes. True realisation of "self" is undoubtedly more important than all the other "transitional" wants. I quietly laugh at myself for how foolish I appeared to be.