I need to get this off my head!

Some random and barely sane thought:

I've been exploring the concept of the "Johari's Window". It's a psychological tool used for self-help. Maybe it's because I think I really need some help that I'm pondering over such stuff.

Anyway, I can't get over the glaring flaws of the Johari Window. Let me explain what I understand of it first: It's a 2x2 matrix, essentially dividing our personal "traits" into 4 different "rooms". The two rows are "known to self" and "unknown to self", while the two columns are "known to others" and "unknown to others".

The main problem with this analytical tool is its reliance on an "objective" perspective. As an example, let's attempt to classify any trait for ourselves. Clearly, what we CAN classify on ourselves is the first row "known to self". And the "known to others" column is in a terrible mess. Different people have vastly different, even contrasting perceptions and impressions of the same person. And the fourth quadrant or "room" - "Unknown to self and others": who knowns what goes there?

Ultimately traits themselves are subjective - they only acquire meaning when someone observes them. When we observe our own traits, they form our ego. When others observe us, the traits form our reputation. But here's a problem: the Observer Effect. We tend to modify our behavior when we know someone is watching us. Even when that "someone" isn't necessarily another person! When we observe ourselves and think of our own traits, we get an image of ourselves that's distorted by our ego. And of course what people observe in us, they might not want to tell us truthfully.

From how I see it, a person's interaction with his own ego and reputation is a complex relationship. It depends on many factors, among them the "other people" and how close they are with the person in question.

Here's an exercise: Visualize a graph with two axes.

A horizontal one depicting how close a person is to you:
Acquaintance <---> Confidante

And a vertical one depicting the difference between your ego and your reputation in the eyes of that observer. What does this mean? Essentially it is how you "act" or "wayang" in front of that observer. The more you act, the more you want others to see yourself differently from how you see yourself (or don't want others to see your "true" self).
"Pretentious/Feigned <---> Natural/Truthful"

Finally, populate the graph among people you've be around with recently. What is the shape of your graph?

I'll probably come back to this topic next time. But never mind all these nonsense. Back to sleep.

Chromatometer

One thing I've added over the past few months is my "experimental" Chromatometer. It's manually updated by me though, and I doubt it's working properly or if it will ever work at all. One hindrance to its function is to do with the "Observer Effect".

Whatever. I appreciate its simplicity and quaintness as a toy.

Why am I doing this...

Why the urge to type random stuff in this disused blog in the middle of the night?

I suspect it's to do with my Business Law exam tomorrow... and all the weird yet thought provoking DREAMS I had over the past few weeks.

As much as I can recall: I dreamed of my Teddy Bear, evading a gang fight in Balestier (yes I even remember the location), a friend cheating on his girlfriend, and even a way of killing someone without leaving personally identifying evidence behind. Kudos to anyone who can interpret all these!

But all those are besides the point. Dreams are JUST DREAMS. I still don't understand: Why am I writing all these down?

Just being random, I guess. Consistent with all my recent behavior and thoughts. I'm forgetting how to BE A NORMAL PERSON. If anything, at most, I'd be posting stuff here on the safe assumption that nobody would read any of this... This blog IS dead anyway. I don't, and have never been recorded past EVENTS that happened to me here. It's just an ad hoc, sporadic, minor repository of the myriad of random THOUGHTS. I guess my mind has been wandering off again - far too much this time as I mental confront many personal issues. So burdensome that I have to dump some stuff down.

BTW I've made some changes to this blog over the past few months. So yea, I've been contemplating about this forgotten website for awhile.