REBOOT:

Dragging this old fella along. Apparently my rampaging internal turmoil has taken a colder, calmer shape. Thus the return to this blog. Ahhh, what are the advantages and disadvantages of having online diaries? Hmm? I know of impending calamity, but was half-expecting it throughout the holidays. After a humiliating defeat, I realise I was over-confident. I'm now in the process of reconfiguring myself once again. (The human is indeed quick to adapt, though "adapt" may seem an imappropriate word.)

Thus I am cast back into the game. Watching. The powers of observation, yes?

Busy right now, so gotta end this entry soon. Don't forget to mention the power blackout today that offered a nice break from too much mugging.

P.S. See BOOT: (though nothing much to do with this post=)

Confrontation

I just realised how vulnerable I am. What a profound impact the outside world has on me! Ever since I snapped, I have transformed. I sensed a shift in personality. I was once shy, secretive, and tried to be as nice as I can to everybody. Somehow, things changed. I feel the emergence of the menacing side of me. My raw emotions are slowly beginning to surface. I begin to feel hatred. I cannot control myself. It is true I disliked alot of things, many people in the past. But never have I felt true hatred for them. (Okay, maybe I have before) But to let my dislike for certain people and things show so openly is not what I have done (often) in the past. I tended to conceal my emotions.

Yet now, after all the disrespect and disregard I get, I snap. It's NOT just me, but others who also suffered in silence. I'll have to confront with what all I have harbored within for so long. An explosion.

It's true that I do not have many friends. That may be due to the fact that I am slow to make friends. Then again I am slower to forget them. The polar opposite is also true: I am slow to hate, but even slower to forget hatred. For what seemed like an eternity I have waged an inner conflict within myself. Yet it is not something within me that pushed me to the limits.

IT IS TRUE! I AM AT THE EDGE OF A CLIFF! DON'T PUSH ME FURTHER! (Of course, people don't listen, they never do. What I speak here is not for them to hear anyways.) It's a vicious cycle of its kind.

The Wait...

Why do I even BOTHER returning to type stuff in here?

Ignorance is bliss. Life really sucks. When people can seemingly be oblivious to the sufferings of life and comfort themselves, I, unfortunately, am held wide awake. Pitiful me. Even when school closes for a nice long break, life still sucks. I still have endless worries that I cannot turn a blind eye towards. Seems like I am entering a stage in life of worries and misery.

What, then, keeps me living this seemingly cruel existence? What keeps me from wanting to run away from it all? Sometimes, I really don't know. Whilst one may cheer up easily, saying, life has been better than what it was long ago, and will take a turn for the better. The darkest hour is before dawn, eh? One CANNOT simplify life to be of a cyclical nature like the day/night cycle. It is infinitely complex, and there can be no end to misery.

Some may pity me, some may envy me, saying, you are already living such a good life! Think about all those poor innocent souls who live and die just like that! They never got a chance to live a life like yours. In truth, I'm not living a good life. At least they get to be ignorant all this while. And ignorance is bliss. Not a soul is living a good life. Trust me on this. When you envy someone for how good life is for him or her, you have not seen the entire situation. Everyone has worries. Everyone suffers.

The truth is I am utterly and completely lazy, bad-tempered, ill-nurtured, greedy and fail at some things in life. That is my character; it defines me. And I have few friends. Thus I am pitiful. But so? I guess my "domain" is simply not here... Don't I always feel I belong somewhere else?

What, then, keeps people living "this life"? Some may say it's primal instinct, which allows them to be oblivious to their worries. Me? Unfortunately, sometimes I try, but worries keep on coming and compounding. I am at my wit's end, and the only thing that keeps me from breaking down is that I know that I face not a limitation in space, but rather a limitation in time. My place belongs to the future, and so does my life. And I merely have to wait. And a long time I have to. But waiting is never easy.

Some may say I am delusional, but hey! Who knows anything for certain? Why feel too hopeful or hopeless? Hope is but a primal instinct. Ignorance is bliss. It always is. Not "foolishness" or anything, just not knowing, or turning a blind eye to, or simplifying, the harsh complexities of life. Many people get to be ignorant. But my eyes are forced open. How I long for simplicity!