Hanging in the balance...

I know I haven't been blogging for awhile. I'm putting most of my effort now into protecting the delicate balance in my family... Not yet normal for the moment, but hopefully it will gradually be. I don't know when it'll be my turn to give way. I just hope I can find the strength to carry on.

More and more, I feel myself being part of a enormous web, where the slightest action can trigger countless repercussions... I'm beginning to appreciate how delicate every seemingly insignificant thing is. How invisible forces can change everything. I guess I'll have to take on more responsibility for my actions and inactions from now.

Given how brittle and vulnerable I am emotionally currently, I might just give way any moment. What happens when I reach my breaking point? I have no clue. What I can expect are a multitude of extremes my personality can take on...

My "main" personality, as it is usually portrayed, is actually an amalgam of various elements. On two extreme ends, I am both a compassionate person who craves love and tries to love in return, as well as a faceless, emotionless, cold-blooded, loveless and selfish individual who can sell out anybody. I am also compulsive, hot-tempered, ready to lash out at anybody who annoys me the slightest bit, yet I am indifferent to events around me. Of course, black-and-white is just another dimension in an infinite domain of my personality. I have no idea what comes next.

Oh yea, "Sirocco" is actually a character of my creation. "He" is the embodiment of yet another personality that I take on, strangely, when I write all those "mysterious" letters. I have no idea why. "He's" one that's playful and enjoys anonymity. "He" can be rather childish at times, due to his anonymity (it brings out the worst in people.) One of "His" opposites that exists within me craves for publicity and popularity.

Will I finally succumb to this bitter winter in my home? What form will I finally take on? I have been shifting back and forth between different forms in the past month that I'm getting disoriented. Which is probably why I've done so little in the past month. I'm confused.