Disfunction

Maybe it's time to relieve a small of the inner tension that's beginning to build up within me. That's the whole purpose of having a not-so-secret diary that only so few people know of. Ironically it's so non-secret that I am still reluctant to type it here and definitely having difficulties phrasing it. Yes this blog is quite "hidden" as I haven't made known to any large extent the existence of it.

Ever since I could remember, I've been having some "fun" with my notorious smile and my "numerous relationships". Yes, the inescapable love of a skunk. I've been "suggesting" at every chance to a few unfortunate chosen "targets of my attention". Yes, I know they're pissed. But that's my perverted way of having fun. Too bad. Besides, it is a subtle hint, perhaps too obscure as no one has ever discovered its true meaning.

Yet, even though I do smile a ton, I just can't seem to smile sometimes. There's this "aura" that deprives me of rational thought. It's ironic that I've never smiled much or talked much "sometimes".

Why is it, I see so often yet never really grasp any opportunity? Why am I attracted and repelled at once? Maybe it's the associates--The bodyguards that I loathe but never mentioned it.

However, I only seek to express, not to impress. Ironically I can't express either. I'm gagged. So close yet so distant.

Even myself am confused at this random babbling of mine. It's wierd. When one can and does talk so much, suddenly becomes silent. When one can speak properly, starts to stammer. When a perfectly healthy individual starts to feel unwell. Why do all these seem to happen at once? What are the implications? My thoughts are too erratic.